Flashbacks

     They all said; i'm a drama kid, black kids say i don't have it hard, i live the life they want. My grandma says the entire world is my fault, or thats what it feels like, for seven years my dad abused me. and i was used to the life like that, hidden in smiles, under is shreded, no one saw the cuts i gave myself, the carvings in my arms, no cared enough. then i moved in with my grand. who says i'm a drama queen, over react.
  she was sucessful in high school, i'm not so much; "D"s "C" and then the "A's" and "B's" more A's and B's but still she was perfect, she didnt go at herself with the to hurt. she didn't want to smother herself, she didn't want to punch the mirrors out. break the light bulbs, and sit in the dark so she couldn't have to see what she looked like, and then i became a sex adict, and its looking like drugs next i just don't want to be here, breathing wasn't meant for me.   
        i was doing so well too... i was happy, and then; she yelled at me, all of that compressed anger, rage; the things i felt with my dad flooded my head. how not even my friend could leave me be, i never had to go to halifax, i never had to explain the cuts. cause all i did was sit in my room,
i guess cause she said "Its your fault" - it wasn't a big deal- the fight, but those three words put the trigger in my head again. i wanted to rip my self up, burn, cut, hide and run.
         i need help i know i do.
                   how does it feel to cut? i wonder sometimes, i forgot the feeling, i know it feels good when the skin tears, and everything goes and all you can do is sigh in relif, that in this world you're going to survive, but society thinks of us as taboo, and christians dont like us, but what do we care when we can finally look in the miorror and smile? i wont commit susicide but somedays it feels like thats the way out. i'm so ill and i know i am, i guess i'm sick in th head, i think my dad thinks we're sick people who see no vaule in life. a waste of space i suppose.
sometimes i used to peirce my lip and never put the ring in... like i said life isn't for me. i wish i had been born a child to two NORMAL parents. and didn;t live... in her own little schizo world. thats how i feel. bags under my eyes, i never sleep. i'm certifyably insane. i need a high out of this skin. no cuts, or pain, or breath, hunger, or angry people. just me... i'm sorry its so long, but if someone wants to help the "Sick" little 15 year old, please leave a comment.